One thing I’ve noticed as hubby and I have finally started actively looking for a new place is how incredibly tiring the mere mere act of longing for the future is. It is like the opening of a black hole at the top of one’s mind, from where all energy is drained away.
Longing is really like booze in one way: you are suddenly unaware of what goes on right in front of you, everything feels less real, and yet in the back of your mind there is a muted awareness that you are willingly deluding yourself.
I’ve noticed it especially during the morning meditation, when my awareness is sharpest and most aligned with the present, only to be yanked away a few minutes later as the day starts. All I can do is observe myself with curiosity, like one being amused by the antics of a pet.
Nostalgia hurts because through it we feel weaker for having lost something, rather than stronger for having outlasted it. It is a curious case of optical illusion, a trap that I keep falling back into. I’m not one to suppress my feelings. In fact, I tend to bathe in them, or wear them like fragrances especially the negative ones. But as time goes on I slowly gain some perspective on them, as though an inner observer studied them through my experience of them. Well, clearly the inner observer is very keen on understanding nostalgia, because it’s one of my go-to emotional fragrances. What I find interesting is how much more space there is for me here in the present, rather than in an idealized past. But the confines of the present are blurry, and the my self prefers the fog-shrouded dells of the past, perfect and complete in themselves.
I used to think that once I got out of my comfort zone, life would reward me. I’m realizing right now that as soon as one steps out of his comfort zone, life tries its best to punch him back into it. The moment you start asking for what you want is the moment you start hearing the word “no”. That’s the moment when getting back to your comfort zones is going to feel more attractive. But in your comfort zone there is no life. There is only existence. Is existing enough for you?
Divination, Magick, Devotion
